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Dove Chocolates

Those nights you feel alone… watching some endless hours of Netflix and feel a little sorry for yourself (Don’t pretend you haven’t)…. 

You think… “Yeah… chocolate, a universal snack for the lonely female that inevitably makes you feel just a little bit better about the world” … that is unless... 

Dove Valentine Chocolates. 

“Oh how cute… little quotes in every wrapper to make you smile”… or in the real world of single women eating the chocolates?... “Screw you, Dove… I now hate myself”

Just a heads up Dove… those chocolates with cute little sayings are in a giant bags… giant, plastic, non-cute, OR romantic bags. THEREFORE, who do you think are purchasing them? OBVIOUSLY not the thoughtful boyfriend or significant other of anyone…

Nope.

Those are to those of us who get them from friends or family who know we self soothe with chocolates… or we’ve shamelessly purchased them ourselves.

For anyone who has not experienced this (We might not work out as friends) or for those of you who have tried to forget… here are some of the quotes, and my desired response to the writer of the following “cute” little sayings…

“Chocolate, Always Your Valentine” – Translation? “Hey fat ass, you've eaten too many… even the wrapper is judging you.” ...low point.

“Be your own Valentine” – I always am… so this is basically it’s like telling me; “be blonde” “be a girl” “Hate Valentines Day more” …This is never empowering, just infuriating. Like poll: when is that not sad? Really though.

“Have Breakfast in Bed” – That’s where I had dinner. Let’s not get crazy.

 “Share a Sunset with someone” – Let me know when watching a sunset is not a romantic event… “Hey platonic girlfriend of mine… lets eat a picnic dinner while watching the sunset. It’s totally normal and it will be totally great” … I mean no… lesbihonest.

 “Make a Friend Date” – “sigh”… Refer to the sunset quote…

My suggestion? …The couples of the world win on Valentines Day. They get to either be the “cool couple” who doesn't “do” valentines day… or they “do” the day with flowers and chocolates in a cute heart box of some kind without sayings that make you want to kill yourself.

… So give us singles, your actual target audience, a break. Stick in some expletives about the day, give me Ryan Gosling without his shirt on, give me something like “At least you’re not Miley Cyrus’ Publicist” or “At least you’re not on TLC’s my strange addiction”. Some actual life perspective would be nice.


Or better yet, abandon the wrappers. It will enable to me to eat the chocolate more efficiently and will leave out evidence on the actual amount of chocolates I have eaten.

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