Those nights you feel alone… watching some endless hours of
Netflix and feel a little sorry for yourself (Don’t pretend you haven’t)….
You think… “Yeah… chocolate, a universal snack for the
lonely female that inevitably makes you feel just a little bit better about the
world” … that is unless...
Dove Valentine Chocolates.
“Oh how cute… little quotes in every wrapper to make you
smile”… or in the real world of single women eating the chocolates?... “Screw
you, Dove… I now hate myself”
Just a heads up Dove… those chocolates with cute little
sayings are in a giant bags… giant, plastic, non-cute, OR romantic bags.
THEREFORE, who do you think are purchasing them? OBVIOUSLY not the thoughtful
boyfriend or significant other of anyone…
Nope.
Those are to those of us who get them from friends or family
who know we self soothe with chocolates… or we’ve shamelessly purchased them
ourselves.
For anyone who has not experienced this (We might not work
out as friends) or for those of you who have tried to forget… here are some of
the quotes, and my desired response to the writer of the following “cute”
little sayings…
“Chocolate, Always Your Valentine” – Translation? “Hey fat
ass, you've eaten too many… even the wrapper is judging you.” ...low point.
“Be your own Valentine” – I always am… so this is basically
it’s like telling me; “be blonde” “be a girl” “Hate Valentines Day more” …This
is never empowering, just infuriating. Like poll: when is that not sad? Really
though.
“Have Breakfast in Bed” – That’s where I had dinner. Let’s
not get crazy.
“Share a Sunset with
someone” – Let me know when watching a sunset is not a romantic event… “Hey
platonic girlfriend of mine… lets eat a picnic dinner while watching the
sunset. It’s totally normal and it will be totally great” … I mean no…
lesbihonest.
“Make a Friend Date”
– “sigh”… Refer to the sunset quote…
My suggestion? …The couples of the world win on Valentines
Day. They get to either be the “cool couple” who doesn't “do” valentines day…
or they “do” the day with flowers and chocolates in a cute heart box of some
kind without sayings that make you want to kill yourself.
… So give us singles, your actual target audience, a break. Stick
in some expletives about the day, give me Ryan Gosling without his shirt on,
give me something like “At least you’re not Miley Cyrus’ Publicist” or “At
least you’re not on TLC’s my strange addiction”. Some actual life perspective
would be nice.
Or better yet, abandon the wrappers. It will enable to me to
eat the chocolate more efficiently and will leave out evidence on the actual
amount of chocolates I have eaten.
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