Makeup is hard.

I just came from getting new make-up… you’d THINK getting a make over and new make up would make you feel like a beautiful movie star and you’d feel AWESOME because you have just been done up by a professional.

Oh wait… FALSE.

For starters. They take off ALL your makeup and then begin to ask you about your skin care routine 3 inches from your face. Thus beginning a vulnerable process you NEVER asked for and are now regretting the whole new make up idea.

You know that feeling you get at the dentist office when they ask you the dreaded “do you floss question” .. knowing full well they know EXACTLY how much you floss because they are professionals but you lie anyways because you can’t handle their shaming? Well it’s like that but like… a whole SLUE of floss like questions… but maybe worse. I know EXACTLY what a dentist wants to hear. A makeup artist.. a whole new ball game. I have NO IDEA what the “right” answer is… thus begins the stress.

Artist: “So what is your skin care routine?”

Me: “Uh, I wash my face… (lotion… you use lotion…  they think that’s important.. use that) and use lotion every morning and night.”

Makeup Artist: “Ha.. Well… like what kind of skin care is it”

Me: “Um… (she just laughed at you… come on… commercials say Neutrogena is the best… you got this one) I use Neutrogena.

Artist: “Hmm… Ok” (as if I failed the question)

I then start to even lie a little because I feel as though I am disappointing my makeup artist…

“What is your skin like”

Actual Answer= “Oily but only in my T-zone, and I have the occasional pimple but it’s not really that bad anymore”

Actual Truth = Oily… all over my face. Yes, I break out… everywhere. The breakout area changes every time but over the months, it has migrated all over my face.  NO, there is not just “One problem area”. My skin used to be awesome until I did some budget cuts and well.. my Proactive subscription got the boot… So yeah… thanks for bringing that back to my attention.

(Side note….This is a question that is rude. You have just removed all my make up … you know EXACTLY what kind of skin I have and my “problem areas” It is RUDE to make me say it out loud.)

Then there is the “What type of coverage do you like”

This one confuses me and a little bit offends me… because... HOW is this not the same for everyone?

Says NO ONE: I would like to look like I have so much make up on its close to geisha status.

Says NO ONE: Make up that is so light and transparent you can see every blemish or imperfection on my face please actually just skip the whole foundation thing!

So really all you can say is hey, I don’t want geisha status but I also want my face to look awesome and not homely… so... you’re the expert… YOU figure out that happy medium.

She continues with questions about my blush and eye makeup that I straight up give up on and start just giver her a whole lot of “I don’t know, you pick” responses…. Because.. I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT FROM MEEE!

Then brings us to the beginning of wrapping up this whole demoralizing experience.

Mind you… In between each question and answer exchange there has been a lot of “Girl, omg, no, you CAN’T leave with out this today, you will NEVER go back after getting this…” and so on…

We get to the end and I only want and can afford 2 out of the 20 things she’s just put of my face. And I know this from the moment I walk in there…. I feel like I am conning her in some way because I smile and nod.. even throw in a laugh here and there in response to every “girl” and “omg”…

…but also like... don’t offer me a paint brush that is $50 for my foundation when I can get that shiz at Michel’s for $3… Unless that thing is made with unicorn hair that stops any and all aging… oh it doesn’t?.. then no.

She lays out all of the products while I spend some time fake deciding what I do and do not want.

Cringe at the silence while she checks me out without purchasing the primer OR the paint brush… her disappointment radiating off her.

“Thank yewwww!!!”

FINALLY ITS OVER.

**Makes a mad dash to Aunty Anne’s Pretzels --- and she lives happily ever after.***