Beards...

Reasons for my distaste for beards and/or extreme facial hair:

Really, when it’s too thick it’s like… what’s under there… or better yet what’s IN there?!

Is it clean? …Are you clean?!

Are you compensating for something…?

Did you go on an outdoor adventure for a month and grew it out to feel like Bear Grills? Hot and awesome. I’ll let it slide until things are able to get stuck in it. Then I would like to see your face again… or do I?! How would I know if you’re a forever beard face?!

Hey beard face, STOP STROKING/itching it. It doesn't make you look intelligent or distinguished.. or make ME want to stroke it…  it just makes me think you have itchy face or beard lice. AND no beard combs allowed… EVER. Just means its too long and… I mean a beard comb… nope.

Super groomed full beard with gelled combed hair on top? Word that comes to mind? I’ll refrain... but me thinks you spend too much time in the mirror and LOVE your beard TOO much. I get a pretentious vibe that I don’t love. 

The whole dark on top light on bottom or vice versa… not even every GIRL can pull off the whole “Ombre” look…  Your beard is inevitably a different color from the hair on your head making you look like you've colored it. Premature gray… way more acceptable two toned hair.

My face is soft and moisturized daily. I pluck my occasional whiskers for everyone’s benefit, wear makeup, and wash my face… I don't think having a clean face to be close to is too much to ask for… Your razors are even better than Woman’s razors (which is a conspiracy).. so let’s not make excuses.

 Don't even make me list the 1,000’s of reasons “the mustache” of any kind is just unacceptable.

A “soul patch”?! Billy Rae Cyrus. Need I go on… also I could have stopped with “soul patch”

A “goatee” –Your face “style” contains the word “GOAT” in it. Also I automatically assume you smoke. (perhaps it’s my personal experience with many “goateed” smoking relatives but.. tell me you don't think it too)

Bottom line:

Strategic occasional slightly longer scruff? YES please. But heed caution: avoid the homeless look. It happens. Super forgivable… but not loved.  It’s a fine line my friend.  

Proving to yourself you can in fact grow a beard and wanting to see what it’s like? Please… I’m not a monster! Yes, please please go for it. You’re a man. But make it TEMPORARY and keep that shit clean and groomed.


Oh and if you still aren't with me on this... This exists.


Glitter Beards.